Tuesday, 14 January 2014

6 People On Facebook Who Should Be Using A Different Website

I know there are a lot of pet peeves about people on Facebook - those whiny types who put up desperate messages about how upset they are, then refuse to elaborate on why; people who share their personal drama to a ludicrous degree; people who think you're interested in every single detail of their day, right down to the fact that they're going to bed now, goodnight. The thing that most annoys me, however, is when people use Facebook when they could quite easily use another website - and I have picked out the six most annoying examples of this below...feel free to add your own rant in the comments! (Bear in mind this is all in good humour and I'm guilty myself of most of these, at one point or another...)


The Question Asker
Should be using: Google
Their status: ‘What is the weather in Crete like in April?’/ ‘Is Persil detergent non bio?’/‘Are there any wedding ring shops in Bath?’
They mean: ‘I’m going on holiday in April!’/‘I’m a good housewife!’/‘I’m getting married!’


This is a terribly unsubtle way of showing off, because if the writer genuinely wanted to know the answer to these things, they would just bloody look it up. Asking for personal recommendations is fine, asking questions that have a literal answer is not – because the subtext is basically ‘I could go and look up wedding ring shops in Bath on my own, but I’m not going to, because that would mean a missed opportunity for me to mention yet again that I’m engaged, if the photograph of the ring, the status update and the change in relationship status wasn’t enough to make you take notice.’ Equally, some questions are just mind numbingly dull. Do Argos deliver to Cheshunt? Why don’t you just call and ask them? Or ask your Mum? Good grief. 

The Adult Websiter
Should be using: Well, look, I’m not going to list them all, but you get the idea
What they do: ‘So-and-so has liked a photograph from T!TS Daily!’
What they mean: I'd really like a girlfriend now. 

These are the people who constantly ‘Like’ photographs that range from obscene jokes seemingly lifted from a shit Carry On Film, pictures of girls in wet bikinis, or just really basic photos of naked women. Now, come on. The internet is like 99% full of websites where you can show this kind of appreciation without old school friends/people you work with/people you’re related to knowing you’re doing it. And if you’re doing it because you’re a bit desperate and you genuinely think a girl might notice and think ‘well, he sounds like a lovely bloke, and he clearly likes the naked form, so maybe I’ll say hi,’ you’re sadly and ludicrously deluded, and you might as well start texting ‘hot sxc girls in your area’, which let’s face it, you probably already do.  

The Photographer
Should be using: Instagram, Flickr etc
What they do: Upload 340 almost identical photographs of Wales in the snow. Or three photographs, all of a cake.
They mean: I took these photographs and now I want you to see how arty/interesting/creative/good at photography I am



Okay, firstly, if you want to upload 500 photos of scenery – or worse, your pets – do it on Flickr, because that’s designed for picture galleries, and you can always link it to your Mum or whoever it is you think will care. On the other hand, if you’ve taken a really good photo of a apple pie, put it on Instagram, and hashtag away to your heart’s content, and 8 people will like #momsapplepie, which is 8 more likes than you're going to get on Facebook. Facebook in my opinion is only for photographs of people or one off photographs of things a large number of people might find interesting. This never, ever includes your dinner. 

The In Joker
Should be using: Whatsapp/email/a phone
They say: ‘Such a good night last night ;) frog face! LOL! Hats on fire! Haha didn’t see that one coming! @JaneBrown @RichardLee’
They mean: Haha look! I have friends! And we had fun! This means I’m v popular and cool, right?

This status will be liked by four people – the writer, who doesn’t realise that liking his own status is the opposite of cool; the two people tagged in the status, who feel awkwardly obliged; and an elderly relative who likes everything the writer does regardless of whether they understand it or not. One of the tag-ees might even make another in joke as a comment, which the writer will then ‘like’, as they all bask in their own hilarity. Nobody else knows what you’re talking about, and that doesn’t make them think you’re cool or popular – it makes them see you as an idiot who thinks the mere act of having friends who spend time with you is worth showing off about. If you genuinely do want to talk about how hilarious the night before was, do it with the only people who care – the ones who were actually there.

The Sports Commentator
Should be using: Sports forum/Talk sport etc
They say: ‘Kingsmill 10-1 to the Antes! Can’t believe they banned Peterson.  A season defining decision…without even considering Milton’s actions! Shocked isn’t the word!’
They mean: I have no idea.


These statuses are sometimes about football/rugby but more often focus on a more obscure sport like F1 Juniors or horse races that aren’t the Grand National, and only one other bloke (often related to the writer, and potentially sitting in the same room as them, watching the same sporting event) will reply with an equally baffling comment, which will descend into an argument that nobody else understands. Often the writer will upload five or six statuses during one game, each more puzzling than the last, the first with two likes, all the others with zero. Why are they doing it? Who are they talking to? Wouldn’t it be better to go on the specifically designed websites for people who want to talk about these sports? Or even comment on an online newspaper article about it? Anything, really, rather than inflict it on people who once saw you as a normal person and now see you as a raving fanatic? Just a suggestion. 

The Philosopher
Should be using: Pinterest, Tumblr 
What they do: Upload endless photographs of a girl standing in the sea with a quote over her head saying something that Marilyn Monroe once said. Or worse, make it their status. 
What they mean: I am deep and interesting.



OK, great, YOLO. I like life affirming quotes as much as the next person - I just find them a little jarring in amongst statuses about what Anchorman 2 was like and people complaining about the weather. It's not that there's anything wrong with this sort of behaviour, but if you're doing it excessively on Facebook then...you're in the wrong place!


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14 comments

  1. LOOOOL!!!! This is bloody hilar!

    virgosandkisses.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. LOVE this!

    I had to leave Facebook as I'd had enough of a lot of this. Too many idiots!
    I can really relate to the in-joker! It's so true! It's only ever liked by the people that were there, I was always feeling like I had to 'like' these when I was tagged in them, but it just felt stupid!

    Jenn | Photo-Jenn-ic

    x

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    Replies
    1. Haha, stand against it! Even worse is when you're tagged with 9 other people and you can't even really remember what the joke was! xoxo

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  3. This is hilarious! I love it--it's so true!

    Maggie D. xx

    http://mychicadventure.blogspot.com

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  4. Hahaha I love this...they're all so true! I've had to unfriend people because they post 20 "deep & meaningful" quotes and statuses every day.

    Bree ll Colour Shimmer Sparkle

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  5. So true! I maybe upload too many pictures on Facebook too! :)
    theemeralddove21.blogspot.co.uk

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  6. This is great :) Hilarious! Completely understand the 'in-joker', that's like everyone I went to High School with :D

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  7. Haha this is brilliant - you are so on the money with every single one of these!
    xx
    Wee Bit of Rachel

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  8. I can't stress how true this is! And right on the money!
    lipstickandlightening.blogspot.com

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  9. Haha! I was reading this thinking how true every single one was. This should be made a compulsory read to everyone who uses facebook xx

    D Is For...

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  10. Hahaha! Great post! So funny and so true!

    Ray | Obey Ray

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  11. Cate this post was just hilarious and actually very VERY accurate! You had me nodding vigorously from the beginning and thinking that I definitely not miss Facebook haha!

    Hayfa
    www.londonloafers.com

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  12. Hahahaa, this is such a good post, you have really nailed so many people on FB. However I think all of one are guilty of one of these at some point in our FB lives.

    P.xx
    GreyWalls

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  13. This is so true... And the reason why I try to limit my facebook posts... I don't want to be one of these people!!

    Kelsey Dina <3

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