1. Morning. (Ugh. Is it?)
2. I’m not going to weigh myself this morning. My weigh in days are Monday and Friday, not Tuesday, and it’s stupid anyway, because I ate a curry last night so OBVIOUSLY I’ll have put on weight, and I’m going wedding dress shopping for the first time ever tonight and I don’t want to be demoralised and end up in the section aimed at the ‘curvier figure.’ So. No. Step away from the scales.
3. Bugger it, I’ve put on a pound and a quarter. Why did I do that?
4. A quarter of a pound? It can’t possibly be that accurate. Scales are stupid. Weight is stupid. I might skip breakfast.
5. Maybe the scales aren’t calibrated right. If I weigh myself in the hall, I might be thinner.
6. Aha! Half a pound lighter! Banana bread for breakfast it is.
7. I should stop standing around naked on the scales, I’m late for work.
8. Why do I even bother having a wardrobe, when I keep all my clothes in a pile by my bed?
9. Where is my red skirt? Oh, in the washing basket. But nothing else goes with this top. It doesn’t smell too bad. What’s that dirty mark? If I twist it round to the side a bit, no one will see that, right?
10. Are these the tights that fall down all the time?
11. I seem to have 1000 shoes but none of them make a pair. Oh, two boots! But these are the ones with a hole in. I can’t throw them away because I love them, but I also can’t wear them in the rain.
12. Where are my keys? Why can’t you call your keys when they’re lost, the way you call your phone? Except actually I have lost my phone, and I can’t call it because it’s on silent. I am really late for work now.
13. I wish I had telekinetic powers, so I could mentally make the selfish businessmen on the tube get up and give me their seats. Why do they even need to sit down? They look pretty strong to me, and they don’t even have to carry handbags.
14. These are the tights that fall down all the time.
15. Having a touch screen Kindle is great until you’re standing on the tube and using one hand to keep yourself upright. Would anyone notice if I turned the pages with my nose?
16. Move down? Move down where? No, just stand on my feet, don’t worry, I don’t need them.
17. That man looks pretty shifty. I think he might be a terrorist.
18. He’s got a huge backpack. Should I get off the train? No, don’t be ridiculous, you’re already late.
19. But what if I’m not being ridiculous? Isn’t it better to risk being late for work than risk dying? I should get off. No, I shouldn’t. Should I?
20. Well, we’ve left the stop now so it’s too late. My mum always said I dither too much. If this bloke really is a terrorist, let that be written on my gravestone.
21. Starbucks is so warm and comforting. I wish my flat was like this. Except without a queue of 5000 men in suits in it.
22. I still don’t understand how a coffee can be Tall.
23. £4.50?! Are you joking?
24. How does ‘Catherine’ sound like ‘Gavin?’ Do I look like a Gavin? Starbucks should be forced to give you your money back if they spell your name wrong, like those restaurants in America where they have to reimburse you if you don’t smile.
25. Two emails. Why am I so unimportant? Oh good, I’m only cc’d in one. Won’t bother to read that.
26. Anything happening on Facebook?
27. Everyone I went to school with has had a baby except me.
28. Anything happening on Instagram?
29. Everyone else in the world seems to be on holiday. I wish I was a famous blogger and my ‘early morning’ consisted of photographing my coffee. Actually, I should take a photo of my coffee, as it cost me about half an hour’s wages.
30. Would anyone notice if I took a nap at my desk?
31. I think meetings are put in simply to justify our own existence in a world where we would otherwise float away into the ether on swivel chairs. Or die at our desks and no one would notice.
32. Is it lunchtime yet?
33. 10am? Are you joking?
34. I wish I didn’t have ‘Let It Go’ stuck in my head all the time. It’s not exactly the coolest thing to be caught humming while you’re making a cup of tea (I love it though).
35. Might do some Internet shopping. God, ASOS has got expensive! £75 for a dress? I’m not made of money. Ooh, Boohoo, that’s much better. £15! I’ll have two. One of those…one of those…add to basket…hang on, £218? Ugh, I don’t want any of this stuff. X out.
36. Time to check Bloglovin’ and look at all those people who are being more successful at blogging than me. I mean, I don’t even get it. That’s just a couple of photos of some coffee and…how has half an hour gone by and I’m still reading this blog? I admit defeat, I’m not doing this anymore…until tomorrow!