Okay, so, confession – I totally got the idea for this blog post from the ever hilarious Hannah Gale, whose ’28 thoughts every 20-something girlhas over the Christmas season’ made me quietly snorting into my Starbucks hot chocolate this morning. And as I was sitting at my desk (MULTI-TASKING if my manager is reading this) it occurred to me that there are a lot of really office-worker-specific things that happen EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL and I wanted to write about them to see if, well, you lot do them too. But obvs also go and read Hannah’s post because it is excellent. And do all of this at work because it’s Christmas so nobody’s doing any real work, right?!
1 It’s officially December! It’s CHRISTMAS! Let’s all open our advent calendars and silently step back from doing any work at all for a month. There’s nothing that needs doing in December that can’t be put off until January!
2 Listening to Christmas music on my iPhone makes this hideous commute SO much more bearable. I hope that stern man in a suit can’t hear it, though. Or that really fit cool looking guy who looks like he might not be into Mariah.
3 Ah, ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’. Because nothing says Christmas like a song based on coercing a girl into having sex with you. Festive! ‘Say, what’s in this drink?’ Not rohypnol, hopefully.
4 My favourite Christmas song is one of the cool ones to say like the Pogues or Slade. It’s definitely not ‘Not Tonight, Santa’ by Girls Aloud.
5 Chestnuts roasting on a open fiiiire…whatever they taste like…probably disgusting when you think about it.
6 Ooh, Starbucks red cups! Time to drink my entire daily calorie allowance before I even get to work in one sickly swoop. Whipped cream? Why not, at this point.
7 I wish my boss would stop giving me deadlines when I’m trying to read people’s blogs and eat Quality Street in peace.
8 There’s really nothing wrong with eating a Pret Christmas sandwich every day even though it’s 800 calories because everyone knows festive calories don’t actually count. Ooh, M&S are doing mini sausages wrapped in bacon! Better get a few, they’re limited edition!
9 God, this afternoon has been SO productive. When do people who don’t work in offices even do their Christmas shopping? Thanks, ASOS and Amazon.
10 OMG I get paid TWICE in December. To Topshop at once! I’m basically a millionaire! Let’s not worry about the fact that I now won’t get paid until the end of January because weirdly, it feels right now like January might never happen. January is after Christmas. Let’s worry about that when it happens (possibly never). I need to live in the moment and that means buying a £49 jumper with gingerbread men on it.
11 Is a festive jumper ‘professional office wear’?
12 How do those girls on Instagram wear cool hats all the time? I can’t exactly wear it in the office all day, can I? But the alternative is hat hair. Why did I spend £19 in Topshop on this?
13 Secret Santa! Oh good, I’m buying for the director of the company. No pressure, time to find something personal and hilarious but also appropriate so I don’t get fired. For £5. Cool.
14 Let’s pretend this cost £5 and never mind that it actually cost £32.50 and I had to pay shipping from America, the point is, I got something BRILLIANT. Hopefully I’ll get a really good gift in return! Yay present!
15 Thanks, whoever bought me this naked fireman calendar. Thanks a lot.
16 Still, work Christmas party time! The only time of the year when it’s actually worth having a job. ALL THE FREE WINE!
17 You know what, that manager might SEEM like a mega pyscho bitch, but she’s LOVELY. We have sooooo much in common we might actually end up being BFFs. Omg, we should totally go SHOPPING together!
18 ROCKING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE! I love this company! Why do I ever complain about my job? I LOVE jobs! OMG MARIAH TIIIME! SHOTS FOR EVERYONE INCLUDING YOU MR DIRECTOR MAN!
19 OMG WHO AM I WHERE AM I WHAT DID I SAY WHY AM I ALLOWED OUT OF THE HOUSE?
20 Oh good, text from my friend in marketing – ‘You were fine, you were really funny.’ That’s it, I’m quitting my job and moving to Timbuctoo.
21 Still, she snogged that weird looking bloke from accounts, so probably nobody will even remember what I did. Whatever that was. I wish I could stop getting flashbacks of doing handstands on the dancefloor.
22. Also, WHY would you have a work party in the middle of the week? I can't get up. Ah well, it's Christmas. Tis the season to be late.
22 I can’t go to any more Christmas drinks. I just can’t. My liver can’t take any more Prosecco.
23 Luckily, I can just soak it all up with mince pies. That will work, right?
24 Why have I put on half a stone in two weeks?
25 YES, Christmas Eve half day! The out of office is ON! I am currently out of the office until the 4th January – that’s basically FOREVER! In my absence contact SOMEBODY ELSE, bitches! Wooop HOLIDAY!