Your nails are really dirty, aren’t they? I mean, you do realise neat, polished nails are the sign of a neat, polished person? Oh my god, you’ve painted them blue? That’s so unprofessional. Wow, you’ve gone and got a proper manicure – are you some kind of pampered princess or what? You clearly only care about your looks, how vain. You should care about more serious things, like the world news. Okay, we get it, you're an intellectual - god, stop showing off, it's so boastful.
Have you got a proper job yet? You can’t just doss around, you know. #GIRLBOSS, remember. Woah, look at you, crazy career woman! You want to be careful, you’ll look like a completely intimidating pyscho bitch and then you’ll never get a boyfriend. Have you got a boyfriend yet? You need to put yourself out there more. Really, Tinder? Are you desperate? Look, it’s the modern world, and you’re a modern girl, if you know what I mean – just shave your legs, put some red lipstick on and get out there! OMG you had a one night stand? What a slut. You can tell you’re a slut from that bright lipstick and short skirt – god, leave something to the imagination won’t you? No one’s going to want to be your boyfriend if you’re that easy.
Have you lost weight? You need to be careful, losing weight too quickly is really bad for you. You should focus on being healthy, you’re so image-obsessed, it’s sad. Eat clean. Have you bought into that healthy eating thing like some sort of sucker? Why don’t you just post your lunch on Instagram? Everything you just ate for lunch will give you cancer, do you realise that? Idiot. You can’t fit into size 10 jeans? You should probably lose a few pounds. You should EXERCISE. Okay we get it, you went on a run, stop being so bloody sanctimonious. What do you mean, you don’t want a burger and chips because you’re on a diet? You’re like Victoria Beckham just picking at salad leaves. You’re so uncool. Diets don’t even work. Soup for lunch isn’t enough, you need to eat more. A pizza for lunch is gross, that’s probably why your skin is so bad.
Work hard, play hard! Let’s go out, you’re letting the best years of your life pass you by! Do you ever wonder if you drink too much? Do you even remember what you said last night? Boys find it attractive if you drink beers with them. God, you’re so unladylike. What do you mean you just want a glass of water? You’re no fun anymore. Oh, are you drinking wine because you think it's classy?
Do you really think your boyfriend is the one? You don’t want to rush to get married and settle down, you know. The world is your oyster these days ,you’ve got to get out and experience things – you should go travelling. Yolo! Erm, your eggs won’t last forever, you know. Tick tock, tick tock! You can’t travel round Thailand when you’re 45, can you! You’re pregnant? You do realise your life is basically over? What have you even achieved in your life? You’re going to regret this. What do you mean you don’t want kids – won’t your parents be upset? Your mum won’t get to be a grandma. People on their deathbeds don’t regret not working harder, you know. Your career won’t keep you warm at night! You’re going to regret this.