Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Ode To Facebook

Recently, a girl I knew from school – not a friend, you understand, just a Facebook friend – literally live-blogged her birth via an onslaught of Facebook statuses. My friends and I watched, fascinated, as she shared gory details about centimetres dilated and cramps and pessaries from her hospital bed, each status more stomach-clenching than the last. The day after the baby was born she added 238 photographs to an album in its name. One of them was a close up of the baby’s testicles. This appeared to aggravate one of her other Facebook-oversharing-friends into attacking her via Facebook, sparking a good old Facebook row (‘Ignore her hun, block & delete she’s just jealous’ – although why you would be jealous, unless you had a baby boy with no testicles, remains unexplained).

I learnt two things from this debacle; firstly that if I ever have a baby boy, I will try and look at it occasionally without the aid of a camera lens, and secondly, that Facebook is just awful these days. I have loved it and tried to keep that love alive for a very long time, but it is dying, and it’s death tolls make me sad.


Monday, 15 February 2016

Valentine’s Day

You don’t have to hashtag it. I don’t need photographs of red roses, carefully filtered, an Etsy vase in Valencia light. I don’t want macaroons or macarons or chocolates carefully gift wrapped in gilt paper, a bow on the top, to be chain-eaten in miserable succession one rainy Tuesday evening, washed down guiltily with the last of the flat champagne. You don’t need to tell me I am a princess and I don’t need four kisses on the end of each text message and you don’t need to find it quirky that I refuse to eat my crusts or love the way I forget to take the plug out of the bath.

Love is not kissing in the rain, love is not big gestures or long holidays abroad or discount spa days bought from dodgy websites or dinners in basement Mexican restaurants served by Indian waiters in sombreros. Love is not a Facebook status, it is not #blessed, it isn’t breakfast in bed or lacy underwear or the smell of perfume on your pillow.

Love is the spaces in between. Love is knowing when to say yes and when to say no. It is taking a deep breath and saying sorry, it’s okay, hi, I love you.

I need you to tell me when I’m being out of line, and then hug me anyway. I need a kiss on the end of my nose when I slam my finger in the bathroom drawer. You need to meet me at the station when it’s late and I’m tired and weary, you need to eat my burnt offerings at dinner and insist enthusiastically that you love them. I want you to tell me I’m pretty and order me pizza when I say I look fat. Build me up, believe in me, love me. Love is coming home. 

Monday, 1 February 2016

Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred Review – Days 3-7

Firstly, aren’t you impressed I managed to stick at something for seven whole days?! I am! I haven’t lost any weight so far, but that might be because of the two Indian meals and the Pizza Express I scoffed last week. Oops. And considering that, I didn’t put any weight on. So, you know.

Secondly, here are seven things I’ve learned in the seven days since I started the 30 Day  Shred…

1 I am seriously unfit. Like, seriously. After day 4, I could barely walk. I had to run to a meeting on Thursday morning and it felt like I was nearing the end of a marathon. It’s quite embarrassing and it does make me want to keep it up, because clearly I’m one of those people who thinks they are in shape but really gets out of breath running for the tube.

2 When you’re watching the same 30 minute video every day, really little things begin to irk you. Like Anita’s smug face when Jillian says there aren’t any workarounds to a star jump. Or the fact that no one except Jillian says anything, they just stare robotically into the space in front of them, even when she’s directly addressing them, like army cadets on passing out day. Irritating.

3 I don’t hoover my carpet enough.

4 Even tough-as-anything Natalie skips out two of the lunge moves when Jillian isn’t looking, so I skip them too.

5 Pretty sure I’ll never be any good at push ups, although my record in the 30 seconds is now 15, which I think is decent.

6 It is really useful to have a workout you can do in your own living room, without getting dressed for the gym. I can fit it in at all sorts of times, like even when I got home after an insanely long day at work and my dinner of sweet potatoes and sausages was cooking in the oven, or first thing in the morning on a Saturday, and so on.

7 But if you’re going to do it just in your work dress, make sure you shut your curtains first or you might find you’re unintentionally flashing your neighbour your knickers during the abs workout. Sorry, penthouse flat guy.

That’s all for now. I’m going to try and be a bit more diligent with my food intake this week and I’ll let you know what the results are like next week. This one is a bit of a tough one as I’m away with work and out a lot, so we’ll see how it goes!
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