Tuesday, 12 December 2017

On feeling the pressure and being the perfect blogger


I don’t know what this post is going to be – some kind of total mind dump? Word vomit? Who knows. Maybe I won’t even post it –if I do, apologies if you’re now reading it like ‘nobody cares about your first world problems!’



So recently I’ve just been feeling like the world’s worst blogger.

 I went out for dinner last week and met some absolutely amazing bloggers who blog full time and it was absolutely lovely and inspiring, but it also made me feel a bit down that my blog/Instagram just isn’t as good as theirs is. (God I just wrote ‘there’s’ instead of ‘theirs’ and was just staring it wondering why it looked wrong – send me back to school at once, my English teachers would be turning in their graves, if they were dead - which surely some of them MUST be by now because they were like 100 even then. I digress).


I don’t know why it affected me so much really.  I don’t blog full time – it’s not my job, and I do work full time in the ‘corporate’ world, so obviously I don’t have the time to dedicate to taking blog photos and editing them or creating Insta content and I can't expect my output to be as good. When I started (SO long ago), blogging was just meant to be a hobby because I wanted a creative outlet, and because I’m lucky in that I get to do quite a lot of cool stuff and I wanted to share that without continually boring my family and friends on Facebook (and getting the same 5 likes every time, including some girl I went to school with who hasn’t seen me since I was 11, haha). Plus I like looking back on it and seeing what I was doing in 2014 (mostly drinking too much wine in various bars so not a lot has changed). 

I never really took it that seriously, and over the last couple of years it’s really slipped as I've got busier at work and maybe just generally a bit less enamoured with it full stop. Like it took me 2 months just to write about my trip to America. I don’t know - maybe I’m kind of wishing I had taken it more seriously? Or I’m wanting to do that now?





I don’t know. Maybe I’m thinking ‘what’s the point of writing it, if I don’t put any effort into making it successful’ – but then, that’s not really the point of a hobby, is it? I mean, my husband isn’t going to be a professional footballer, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy playing 5-a-side with his mates.

All I know is that in the last few days, I’ve made the tiniest effort to make my Instagram (@catscruse if you’re interested) a bit more ‘professional,’ and I’ve gained 100 followers. In like 3 days. So it does make me think ‘why didn’t I do this when I was 24?’ – but that’s stupid because a.) I didn’t know how and b.) I had other priorities and c.) easier said than done, right.



The point is, I wish it could just be better. I feel like my photos aren’t good enough (should I buy a fancy camera? Can anyone recommend one…?) and my writing isn’t good enough. Sometimes I look at someone whose writing I love, like Dolly Alderton, and literally despair because it’s like – she writes these funny, clever newsletters whilst I ramble on about what I did at the weekend, and at the same time she’s managed to write an entire book, whilst I have been talking about writing a book for about 7 years and mostly just been writing and rewriting the first chapter. Even though this year I’ve won a couple of short story competitions and I have a poem coming out in an anthology this December I don’t feel like it’s good enough. In fact I think the poem is rubbish and so I haven’t even mentioned it to anyone really – how stupid is that?

ANYHOO.

The thing is, I do just feel sometimes like I should be all things to all people. Like I want to be really good at my job, keep up fiction writing, write amazing blog posts and take good photos to go with them, have a perfect Insta theme, improve my running, go to gym classes, be a good friend and a good daughter and a good wife. And it just feels like a bit much sometimes. Like honestly, I've actually been stressing out this week about wrapping presents and how I need them to look amazing and I'm worried they won't be wrapped nicely enough (is that insane? Also I have spent like £405985 in John Lewis on wrapping paper so will probs be fine). Does anyone else feel this pressure - not just to be good, but to be the best you can be, at absolutely everything? 

I think the reason it’s taken me 2 months to finish writing/posting my America blogposts is because I feel like they aren’t good enough and nobody will want to read them. But actually they’ve got loads of hits so maybe I’m wrong. And next year I’m starting a new job which will give me the opportunity to travel loads and I really want to be able to blog about it and take you all around the world with me – plus I just like blogging, I like the fact that I can get a new lipstick and be excited about it and not have to force this info on my friends (who just do not care). I love that I’ve met new people through this and that I’ve been to events and that I get sent stuff to review. I don't want to stop just because I'm stuck in this weird inertia where I write a post and then think 'oh who would even want to read that?' 

I think I just need to get back to writing and posting what I like to write – like favourites posts, restaurant reviews and so on – and in the meantime maybe make a teeeeny effort with the photos and my Instagram. Because okay, maybe I don't want my blog to be my job – but I do want to be proud of it. Does that make sense?

Kudos if you have actually got to the bottom of this post – if you’ve ever felt this pressure then please leave me a comment, I’d be really interested to know your thoughts on it all! And to everyone who does read what I write, I'm sorry if I've been a bit rubbish lately and I will really, really try going forwards to be better! 




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5 comments

  1. I still blog what I want its my blog anyway! But I know what you mean the pressure in this industry is unreal.

    Candice | Beauty Candy Loves

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  2. I really like your blog! There's a famous saying about comparison springing to mind, which I can't quite remember apart from to say, don't do it. Comparing yourself to others sucks! You do you. I also agree that life is oh so very tiring, how to write the masterpiece and sculpt the perfect body while holding down a full time job and being a good person?? xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It means a lot that you like it! I know - it's just so hard sometimes isn't it? I just think 'why do I bother!' Glad I'm not the only one! xxx

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  3. I got t9 the bottom and feel just like you. I kinda gave up this year and hardly posted anything then got down at how low my stats had got. But I’m just trying to remember that I started mine for the enjoyment of it not fir a career. I have a career I like and am good at I don’t need another. It’s so easy to compare with everyone else though so I understand exactly where you’re coming from
    Lauren
    livinginaboxx

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  4. Of course we all feel the pressure to be perfect in every way, it's called 'being a millennial'! But please don't fall into the trap, I sincerely love your writing, so everytime you think 'why bother publishing this', you can (from now on) follow up with this thought: a weird 24 year old girl in Belgium would like me to hit the 'publish' button, so why not.

    PS: "including some girl I went to school with who hasn’t seen me since I was 11"? Pure gold :D !

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