Tuesday, 30 January 2018

26 things all Instagram bloggers do

'OH GOOD, THE INSTAGRAM ALGORITHM HAS CHANGED AGAIN!'

Said literally no one ever, as they happily like a photo of an ex-colleague's cat that they uploaded three entire days ago, like a weird stalker with no social skills.

I have such a love-hate relationship with Instagram. On the one hand, it's this lovely place filled with avocado on toast and nice outfits and hot chocolates with cream and girls who say 'Hair looks gorgeous, hun,' and on the other hand it's all weird bots following and unfollowing you and commenting senseless things on your photos, and Instagram refusing to show anyone a photo you edited for two hours, and people who clearly have veneers selling tooth whitening products.


Touching hair: check. Looking down: check. In sketch: check mate.

 
But we can't live without it, can we? And on that basis I decided to write down the 26 things that I think all Instagrammers do. Please do comment and let me know that I'm not alone/crazy - and let me know any I have missed!

Oh, the things we do for the gram...


1. Photograph things in weird places for flat lays
Yep, that's a candle. On my bed. Yes, like a massive fire hazard, but it looks nice, doesn't it? Also there's the keyboard of my laptop, which I am not using. Oh, and here are some flowers, on my dressing table. Not in a vase, like a normal person, no - literally lying on my dressing table. Next to a casual lipstick with it's cap off, because everyone leaves their lipstick lying around open so it can dry out, right?

2. Do really strange poses for photos
Looking down, often with one hand in your hair (this is possibly because you are feeling so awkward that you have no idea what else to do with your hands). Or sitting with one leg bent really uncomfortably underneath you, like no one has actually sat ever. But mostly the hand in the hair thing. Can I even take a photo anymore without touching my hair? I don't know, I wouldn't like to try.

3. Go to the same places
If you exclusively collected your knowledge of Earth from Instagram, you would assume that there was one coffee shop in the whole world in 2017 and that it was called Peggy Porschen. But luckily for earthlings, another one opened in January 2018 called Elan. There's also one restaurant (sketch) and one café (Farm Girl).
London is a big place, so be honest with me - do you really want coffee at Elan? Do you really want coffee in a completely obscure bit of London that you literally had to take the tube for half an hour to get to when there was a perfectly good café down the road? Or do you want to take a photo by a wall of flowers? I know. I'll see you in the queue by the wall.

4. Search out pink walls
Whilst we are on the subject of walls, it's really important to source out pink ones wherever you go. Someone should  seriously make an app for this.

5. Take candid photos that are clearly not candid because if they were it would be quite creepy
Like, if someone is actually taking a photo of you from behind when you are ten metres away and in your bikini, you probably need to call the police.

6. Develop a Starbucks addiction
Here's the weird thing: Starbucks costs about £3, and they are just cups - just paper cups with a pattern printed on them, so unlike Gucci belts and Chanel handbags it really doesn't make sense that they add so much to photos, and yet they do. Somehow, an entire outfit can be pulled together by the presence of a takeaway coffee cup. Coffee turns you from normal girl in jeans to #girlboss so you better get addicted to caramel lattes immediately. I don't know why, I don't make the rules.

7. Take photos that look casual but are actually so hard to take it's absurd
Like balancing your phone on your nose so you can get a photo of your crossed legs sat on your bed, and then spilling coffee all over your fur throw because coffee shouldn't actually be balanced on a fur throw (please see point 1 on this list).



8. Practically ruin your relationship by asking for one more photo
It's as if your significant other didn't realise they were signing up to become your official photographer. And sometimes they just take the photos without really even looking properly, and they don't mention that your hair was stuck in your lip gloss which has completely ruined all five shots, or like the light was clearly awful and you were in a shadow and so he clearly needs to take some more from a different angle - and now he is complaining that you are late for dinner/lunch with his parents/your own wedding - so selfish.

9. Or forcing other uninterested parties to get involved
You used to feel shy, didn't you, asking your best friend/sister/mum to take 2581 different photographs of you with your hot chocolate - but now you're literally directing them. 'A bit further away, I need to get my shoes in.' Your mum looks baffled and has definitely just taken a photo of her own face, really close up. Why can't we all just have our own official photographers?

10. Have a weird obsession with marble
Buying a £350 marble coffee table just to take photographs of make up on it sounds more and more rational as time goes on.

11. Think Alexa Chung's book is a classic
'It' might've been a critical disaster, and god forbid you actually read it, but for bloggers, this is a classic. See also: designer coffee table books, Sally Hughes 'Pretty Honest', that one about not giving a fuck, and actual copies of Vogue magazine. Oh, and anything about hygge.


12. Exist in permanent daylight
Photos at night just don't work - it's all flashes and foundation making you look like a ghost and nothing is the right colour - so in blogger land it is perpetual daytime, even though, really, you probably wouldn't wear knee length boots with a body con dress in Paris in the middle of the day. Also, it never rains, which is nice.

13. Order hot chocolate/freak shakes with 10 tonnes of cream and sprinkles and a brownie on top
I'm sorry, but that is 10,000 calories. You did not drink that.

14. Have 1048 coats
This sort of makes sense, because you're taking photographs outside (by a pink wall) in the middle of the day, in England, so coats are pretty much a necessity. But where do you store all these teddy bear coats? I have questions.

15. But no tights
Even though everyone in England wears black tights all winter, all the time, everywhere, girls on Instagram never do. Girls on Instagram must have cold knees. It's a rule. You can Facetune out the goosebumps later (when you're also Facetuning out your spots, even though you would swear blind you only use Facetune to make things whiter - we all know your games, nobody over the age of 2 has skin THAT smooth.)

16. Sit outside when it's freezing
Because it's pretty, isn't it, to sit by the river with your egg on toast? Even though it's minus four? Even though you're now so cold that your egg has frozen solidly to the bread? Even though your boyfriend is wrapped in a parka and huddled in the doorway of the café as he takes your photo with shivering fingers, staring at you like you're completely insane? This is nice, isn't it?

17. Order food for it's aesthetic value
You really want an omelette, but let's face it... an omelette is not that pretty, is it? So you won't order it. Unlike, say, a cupcake, or a slice of pizza, or the most obvious one of all...

18. ...particularly avocado on toast, which doesn't even make sense
I don't know who decided that green, mashed up goo on bread was the prettiest, most desirable food in all the land. But they did, so order it.

19. Have an obsession with Disney
Going to Disneyland, obviously. Disney pyjamas. Disney t-shirts, like a five year old might wear. Minnie Mouse ears on inappropriate occasions. All completely fine. (See also: Harry Potter.)

20. Start to buy things that are completely, insanely expensive
The thing is, when you've seen another blogger with a Chanel bag that costs £20k, £300 for a Gucci belt actually starts to seem pretty reasonable and maybe even quite cheap. It's only when your non-Instagram-loving friend squawks '£300 on a BLOODY BELT?!' that you realise you've gone a bit mental.

21. Take photos in your pyjamas
I wouldn't let, say, the postman, or the pizza delivery guy, or really anyone who wasn't my closest friends/family, see me in my teddy bear dressing gown. But I will put a photo of it online for the world to see. Normal.

22. Go to Paris
And take a photo sitting on that slanted wall so you can get in both the Eiffel Tower AND your new shoes. Not sure which is the most beautiful, to be fair.

23. Dream of the Maldives
Going to the Maldives = instant 3k new followers. I'm sure of it. On the slightly negative side, you've now upstaged your own honeymoon and you're going to have to live off 20p cans of baked beans for the rest of your life... but it might actually be worth it for that photo of you in your house-on-stilts-above-the-sea.

24. Get mad at those people who follow and unfollow you twice a week in the hope you'll follow them
I know your games, @gorgeousblonde44. I know your games.

25. Go a leeeetle bit far with artistic license
Like, brightening a photo is one thing...but sometimes, you do find yourself going a bit far, don't you? Photoshopping in a sunset or some birds or something, and you realise someone could lean over your shoulder and shout 'fake news!' But...sunsets are pretty. It's a conundrum *shrugging shoulders emoji*

26. Carry a battery pack everywhere
They take up half of your tiny, expensive designer handbag. But what is the alternative?

27. Take photos staring off lovingly into the middle distance
These 'candid' shots where you could be thinking about anything. Your loved ones, maybe. Your dreams or aspirations. Or what's for lunch (not avocado on bloody toast again, hopefully). But you are not. You are thinking 'this is hard work, Instagram. So STOP CHANGING YOUR ALGORITHM AND SHOW PEOPLE MY BLOODY PHOTO!'














 

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2 comments

  1. This is officially the best blog post ever written! Every single one is so true!! If I had a car, I would rope my husband into touring the whole country just to take pictures in pretty dresses and posing candidly with cupcakes. Also I have always thought that about the freak shakes!! They look awesome but also so sickly - no normal person could actually finish one of those.

    www.theemeralddove.co.uk

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  2. This was too good for words! I was literally nodding along to every one of these! Oh and I laughed so hard at "touching hair: check. Looking down: check" because I'm so guilty of that. Think I tucked my hair behind my ear one time mid-shoot and ending up liking the picture more than I should. So weirdly it's become a bit of a thing. But at least I'm not the only one haha! x

    http://www.curiouser-and-curiouser.co.uk

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